be what you already are

"Oct 2, 1958. Feast of the Guardian Angels

Brilliant and gorgeous day, bright sun, breeze making all the leaves and high brown grasses shine. Singing of the wind in the cedars. Exultant day in which even a puddle in the pig lot shines like precious silver.

Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself. For it is the unaccepted self that stands in my way will continue to do so as long as it is not accepted. When it has been accepted - it is my own stepping stone to what is above me. Because this is the way humans have been made by God. Original sin was the effort to surpass oneself by being "like god" - , unlike oneself. But our godlikeness begins at home. We must first become like ourselves and stop living "beside ourselves".

Thomas Merton

My mind seems to come up with ideals of how I should be. Once I reach the ideal my mind produces another one. Consquently, I constantly live in the future and this never becomes the present because there is always another future once I reach the present. I wish I would/could/should be more....this list is without end....and if I'm paying attention, I judge myself for producing those thoughts. This contructs another measuring stick (how I should be) instead of accepting how I am right now. This acceptence, as Merton points out, is the only way I can ever 'surpass' myself and truly be who I am.

Parenting has provided me with a container to see this in action. I couldn't wait till Jonah could wave. And then walk. And then say a word. Now I am looking forward to him putting together two word phrases. All these future thoughts steal the present and create the condition of living 'beside' myself.